Dear John

To all my friends who know me, you may or may not know who John is. I changed his name so everyone wouldn't get offended or ask about it. It's kind of a touchy subject that not even Travis brings up because I'll start crying, and it becomes a sob story. But this is for my dear friend, who I've lost communication with.

Dear John,
     I'm sorry that you felt that I never loved you. I didn't have the "I love you madly" feelings, but I did love you very deeply. You were an adopted brother who could make me laugh harder than anyone I knew. Your humor was so dry and your mind was unique and wonderful. I felt like I knew you better than many people in your life, and I still didn't know you as well as I wanted to. I was never more proud than to be at your baptism, and I was almost as proud when you decided to join the army. I go out of my way to thank soldiers in uniform hoping that one day they'll turn and it'll be you. I would demand all your personal info (number, address, etc), and invite you for dinner. But alas, we are no longer in touch. I feel I can sympathize with Nephi as he saw his brothers fade from the gospel and become evil men. I don't think you're evil, but I know you have strayed from the church.
     You wrote me a goodbye letter when you thought you were going into a war zone and you might not return. It was that letter that struck me so deep. When you said that you told me so much about yourself because I didn't care, I was hurt. I was hurt, and angry at myself for not being comfortable enough to really tell you how much I loved you. I was worried I would tell you that and you would be hurt that it wasn't the same love you felt towards me. I still feel that we were meant to become best friends. You listened to me, and gave me the best gift in the world. You gave me the opportunity to feel what it was like to serve a mission. I suppose with the greatest joy, comes greater sorrow. Seeing you stray and adopt habits you never wanted before was heartbreaking. One day I'll serve a mission with Travis, and maybe I'll get to experience that feeling again.
     It is my hope that one day you will become active again, and that you'll find someone who has a great laugh. And I hope that she'll support you in all your righteous endeavors. I hope that if you loose your life serving our country, you'll be in good standings with God. I hope that you'll have the strength to forgive yourself for any wrongs you may have committed. I had a dream about you once. You were there, and you gave me a big hug. Your hugs are pretty awesome. I still hope you didn't appear in my dream to say goodbye to this world. I woke up in tears and even though Travis didn't fully understand why it upset me, he made it better. I got lucky finding him. Maybe you'll find someone who can understand you completely at well. One day I hope to meet your grandchildren, and for you to say this is the person that helped me find Christ and made you(children) possible. My grandparents are like that with the people who baptized them. We're practically family. Maybe one day you'll stumble upon this post and realize it was written for you.
    Oh friend, how I miss you and long to know what your life is like now, even if you have no life in this world. I need my other big brother here to give me a hug sometimes, and remind me of all the blessings I have. You were always good at helping me appreciate what I had. Loosing your friendship is like the death of a family member. I still play on the guitar you got me, but Travis is better at it than I am. I'm pretty hesitant to be a good missionary though. I'm so scared I'll open my heart to a friend and share the joy of Christ, and they'll drift away. There is no success in never trying, so I'll still try. I hope you find joy, and if we aren't friends in this life, maybe there's hope for the after one.
     Smile often, and eat more food. You looked like a bean pole last time I saw you. I hope you've gained a little since then. The military feeds you guys air, and let you sleep like two minutes. And if you've moved on from this world, I hope I can settle on never hearing from you again.

With love,
     -Heather